The short version<\/p>\n
- \n
- Emotional regulation means influencing how strong a feeling gets and how long it lasts, not getting rid of the feeling.<\/li>\n
- Hiding a feeling is only one way to regulate it, and often a weak one: in lab studies, suppressing the outward signs of an emotion often left the feeling in place and was linked to poorer memory.<\/li>\n
- Putting a strong feeling into words lowered reported distress in lab studies, though in one study naming a mild one raised distress.<\/li>\n
- Pause-name-choose is our own three-step routine built from published advice: slow down, name the feeling, then pick your response on purpose.<\/li>\n
- Adults can learn self-regulation, says Harvard Health; in one 2023 review, phone programs that included reappraisal had a small to medium effect on anxiety and depressive symptoms, on preliminary evidence; overall, they outperformed only inactive comparisons.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/div>\n
What Is Emotional Regulation, and What Isn’t It?<\/h2>\n
The APA separates two kinds of regulation. Explicit regulation is deliberate, such as learning to see a situation differently, while implicit regulation runs in the background, adjusting the intensity or length of a feeling without you needing to notice. Regulation is not a personality where nothing bothers you.<\/p>\n
A 2024 Harvard Health guide to self-regulation<\/a> puts it plainly: people with good self-regulation skills can still feel sad, angry or stressed during difficult times. They have learned to manage those moments better.<\/p>\n
Is Emotional Regulation the Same as Suppressing Emotions?<\/h2>\n
No. Suppression is one strategy among many, and usually not the most helpful one. A 2014 review in Frontiers in Systems Neuroscience<\/a> defines expressive suppression as the attempt to hide, inhibit or reduce the outward signs of an emotion, like keeping your face still while you are furious.<\/p>\n
The same review contrasts suppression with cognitive reappraisal, which it defines as reinterpreting a situation in a way that changes its meaning and its emotional impact. If a friend cancels on you, suppression is smiling through the disappointment, while reappraisal is remembering she has had a brutal month and it is probably not about you.<\/p>\n
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<\/figure>\nWhy Does Hiding a Feeling Often Backfire?<\/h2>\n
Hiding a feeling often backfires because it changes what other people see, not what you feel. The 2014 Frontiers review summarizes lab experiments in which suppression left the negative feeling itself unchanged, reduced positive feelings and raised physiological arousal. Because suppression mostly targets the outward behavior, the review explains, the feeling underneath can keep lingering and building up unresolved.<\/p>\n
The review also links suppression to poorer memory, especially for social information. It suggests, as theory rather than a tested result, that holding a feeling down drains mental resources.<\/p>\n
In questionnaire studies from the same review, people who habitually suppress reported less social support and lower life satisfaction. Those links are correlational, so they cannot show that suppression causes the problems, and the pattern was stronger in Western cultures than in Eastern ones.<\/p>\n
The evidence is not one-sided. In a 2009 lab study of 89 healthy adults<\/a> who watched a distressing video, those told to suppress both the feeling and its expression reported less fear while watching. That was one small study testing a different kind of suppression, not advice to bottle things up, but it means the honest summary is often backfires, not always.<\/p>\n
How Does the Pause-Name-Choose Method Work?<\/h2>\n
Pause-name-choose is a three-step routine we put together from published advice: slow your body down for a moment, put the feeling into words, then choose your response on purpose. It is our own framing, not a tested clinical program, though each step draws on published work.<\/p>\n
The closest published version is the Harvard Health guide’s four-step Stop-Breathe-Reflect-Choose approach: tell yourself to calm down, breathe slowly or take a walk, wait until the feeling is under control, then respond instead of simply reacting.<\/p>\n
The naming step rests on research into affect labeling, the simple act of using words to describe a feeling. In three lab studies published in Emotion in 2011<\/a>, people reported less distress when they picked a word matching an upsetting picture than when they just looked. A fourth study found labeling also dampened pleasant feelings, so it seems to turn the emotional volume down in general.<\/p>\n
A 2022 study in PLOS ONE<\/a> found that when people picked one of two words for their own feeling, labeling lowered distress whether it happened during a picture, right after it or 10 seconds later. It reduced distress for intense images but increased it for mild ones, which the authors say questions the advice to count to 10 before you speak. So naming may help most with strong feelings, and in that study a short delay made no difference.<\/p>\n
\nTechnique card<\/p>\n
- \n
- Pause (a few slow breaths): notice that a big feeling has arrived. Put the phone down and unclench your hands.<\/li>\n
- Name (one sentence): finish the line “Right now I feel … because …” Be specific. “Hurt and embarrassed” tells you more than “bad”. If the feeling is mild, you can skip this step.<\/li>\n
- Choose (one question): ask “What response would I still be glad about tomorrow?” Then pick one small action, such as replying later, taking a short walk or saying the true thing kindly.<\/li>\n
- Look back (optional, later the same day): jot down what you felt, what you chose and how it went.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<\/div>\n
The choose step is where reappraisal fits in: once the feeling has a name, ask whether there is another way to read the situation. You are not choosing the feeling, only the next move.<\/p>\n
How Do You Build Emotional Regulation Skills Over Time?<\/h2>\n
You build emotional regulation skills by practicing, even when it seems likely to backfire. In the 2011 Emotion studies, people who had just felt less distress while labeling still predicted that labeling would be more distressing than just looking. Harvard Health says the ability to self-regulate can be learned and improved, and the APA notes that emotion regulation typically increases across the lifespan.<\/p>\n
A 2023 meta-analysis in Frontiers in Digital Health<\/a> pooled 30 randomized trials, with 3,904 participants in total, of phone-based programs that included cognitive reappraisal. It found a small to medium effect on anxiety and depressive symptoms, but not on general distress or well-being. The authors call the evidence preliminary, since most studies had a high risk of bias and reappraisal was usually bundled with other techniques. The benefit appeared only against inactive comparison groups.<\/p>\n
\n\n30<\/p>\n
randomized trials of phone programs that included reappraisal, pooled in one review<\/p>\n
Frontiers in Digital Health, 2023<\/p>\n<\/div>\n
\n0.34<\/p>\n
pooled effect on mental health outcomes versus comparison groups, small to medium and preliminary<\/p>\n
Frontiers in Digital Health, 2023<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
If your feelings show up in your body first, nervous system regulation<\/a> covers the physical side of settling down. If the feelings that flood you belong to someone else, read about emotional overwhelm from other people’s moods<\/a>. To come down from a spike fast, start with how to calm down in the moment<\/a>.<\/p>\n
InnerSmith is being built for this kind of small, repeated practice: an app that matches a short calming activity to how your day actually feels. It is pre-launch, and the waitlist is open for early access.<\/p>\n
When Should You Get Help With Big Emotions?<\/h2>\n
It makes sense to get help when you are struggling emotionally or worried about your mental health, or when the skills in this post are not enough on their own. A primary care provider is a good first stop: the National Institute of Mental Health<\/a> notes they can do an initial mental health screening and refer you to a social worker, psychologist or psychiatrist.<\/p>\n
If you are in crisis or thinking about hurting yourself, call or text 988 in the US to reach the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. In a life-threatening situation, call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room, and outside the US, contact your local emergency services.<\/p>\n
Frequently Asked Questions<\/h2>\n
\n\nWhat is emotional regulation?<\/summary>\n
Emotional regulation is the ability to influence how strong a feeling gets, how long it lasts and what you do while you feel it. It does not mean feeling nothing. People with good regulation skills still feel angry, sad or stressed, but they respond to those feelings instead of being driven by them.<\/p>\n<\/details>\n
\nIs emotional regulation the same as suppressing emotions?<\/summary>\n
No. Suppression means hiding the outward signs of a feeling, and a 2014 review found that in lab studies it often left the feeling in place and was linked to poorer memory. Regulation is broader: naming the feeling, seeing the situation differently and choosing a response. One small study found that suppressing the feeling itself, not just its signs, lowered fear in the moment.<\/p>\n<\/details>\n
\nHow do you build emotional regulation skills?<\/summary>\n
Keep practicing even if it seems likely to backfire: in 2011 lab studies, people still expected labeling to be more distressing than just looking, right after it had helped them. Pause, name the feeling, then choose one response on purpose. A 2023 review found phone programs that include reappraisal had a small to medium effect on anxiety and low mood; overall, they outperformed only inactive comparisons, on preliminary evidence.<\/p>\n<\/details>\n
\nHow do I stop a big emotion from taking over my whole day?<\/summary>\n
A feeling you only hide can linger, because hiding changes your face, not the feeling underneath. Instead, pause, put the feeling into words, which lowered distress for strong feelings in lab studies, and choose one next step. If the feeling returns, repeat the routine rather than pushing it away.<\/p>\n<\/details>\n<\/div>\n
\nSources<\/p>\n
- \n
- Emotion regulation<\/a>, APA Dictionary of Psychology, American Psychological Association, 2018.<\/li>\n
- Self-regulation for adults: Strategies for getting a handle on emotions and behavior<\/a>, Harvard Health Publishing, 2024.<\/li>\n
- Cognitive reappraisal and expressive suppression strategies role in the emotion regulation: an overview on their modulatory effects and neural correlates<\/a>, Frontiers in Systems Neuroscience, 2014.<\/li>\n
- The consequences of effortful emotion regulation when processing distressing material: A comparison of suppression and acceptance<\/a>, Behaviour Research and Therapy, 2009.<\/li>\n
- Subjective Responses to Emotional Stimuli During Labeling, Reappraisal, and Distraction<\/a>, Emotion, 2011.<\/li>\n
- Affect labeling: The role of timing and intensity<\/a>, PLOS ONE, 2022.<\/li>\n
- Cognitive reappraisal in mHealth interventions to foster mental health in adults: a systematic review and meta-analysis<\/a>, Frontiers in Digital Health, 2023.<\/li>\n
- Help for Mental Illnesses<\/a>, National Institute of Mental Health, 2026.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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- Self-regulation for adults: Strategies for getting a handle on emotions and behavior<\/a>, Harvard Health Publishing, 2024.<\/li>\n
- Emotion regulation<\/a>, APA Dictionary of Psychology, American Psychological Association, 2018.<\/li>\n